


new year's day

by mayaetienne



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), not canon but should be, spending new years alone, this writer tried to write angsty but failed so here's some weak angst for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:20:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22033204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayaetienne/pseuds/mayaetienne
Summary: prompt: thinking about natasha spending five new years without maria and maria spending her rest without natasha
Relationships: Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	new year's day

The first year is the hardest. 

Because you have to admit that she isn't here. Admitting that your girlfriend hasn't been here for a year. Admitting that you'll probably never see her again. Admitting that you'll eventually have to stop having _hope_. 

Steve invites her out to the New Year's Eve fireworks. He's the only one that asks, since the others are gone. Tony's probably celebrating with Pepper, Thor will probably be spending it like any other day, Bruce is god knows where and Clint's gone. 

She tells him maybe, but they both know it's a lie. She'll probably cry, and Steve will too.

She does. She spends the first new year's drinking her tears away. Trying not to think about her. It's really hard not think about her when your life once revolved around her. Trying not to think about how you, _maybe,_ loved her. 

And you never told her. And she'll never know. 

The second year isn't any better. 

She tells herself to let loose. Be free. Maybe, actually go out. 

Of course none of that happens. Maybe you should give up trying to celebrate. Everyone else did. New Year's Eve fireworks aren't a thing anymore because it's a painful reminder that another year has passed since the snap. 

By the third year, she starts to worry. She starts to worry if she'll remember her at all. It's been three years since they've spoken. It's been three years since they woke up lazily on a Sunday. It's been three years since she saw her smile or heard her laugh. She won't let her become a stranger. 

She can't. 

In the fourth year she gives up. She pretends it's any other day. Operates as normal. She decides it's finally time to go back to _their_ apartment and clean things up. (She moved out on the day she was dusted.)

She's cleaning up Maria's closet when she spots the box in her leather jacket. She freezes. She doesn't know whether to ignore it, or to open it. (She chooses the latter.) The ring stares her down. Telling her to put it on. So she does. 

There's a date on the box. The date when she was dusted. 

When she was young, she told herself if she was ever to be proposed to, she would never cry. So she doesn't. She puts on the ring silently, closes the box, puts it back into the jacket and resumes cleaning. 

Morgan's the first to notice. Pepper gives her a sad smile when she sees it. 

The fifth year's the worst. Unlike all the other years, she has hope. Someone gave her hope and bringing her, _no_ , bringing everyone back, and she hates it. Hope can either end happily, or it make your suffering worse. Because you tried it, and it failed. And then finally, _fully,_ admit that all hope is gone.

Then realising that you have to live the rest of your life without them. Then realising that life may not be worth living, because the one thing keeping you alive is never able to come back. 

Like the last year, she spends it at their apartment. This year, she brought a ring to put in the box. 

It's the last new year she'll ever have. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello this was inspired by this **[tweet](https://twitter.com/cobiesnatasha/status/1211497811792973825?s=19)** by cobiesnatasha. 
> 
> how is it everytime i write blackhill some form of proposal always happen. 
> 
> as always kudos and comments are appreciated! 
> 
> \- 
> 
> **blqckhill** on twitter

**Author's Note:**

>  **[HILLSWIDOWS](https://twitter.com/HILLSWIDOWS) **on twitter


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